If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
