You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
