Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
