the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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