he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
