I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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