I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize