I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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