Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
