Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
