I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
