I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
there was a trapeze. enough said
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
