I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
