Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
