Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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