Your face is a jimmy john
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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