so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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