A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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