I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Someone came in the potted fern
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
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