On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It was confusing and full of hummus
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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