filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
