The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The dick lei will go down in squad history
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
