Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
