My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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