the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
