Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Randomize
