The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
