New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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