if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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