turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
