I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
