i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Your cock deserves a montage
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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