My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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