Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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