My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
