btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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