I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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