I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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