I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
