So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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