I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
