smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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