i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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