After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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