Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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