R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
