I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
