if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
