Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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