Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
