dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
