I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
