All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Randomize
