he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
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We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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