I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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