Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
