he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
