I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
