At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
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Do I have a choice?
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You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize