He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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