Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
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You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
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legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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