I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
