I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Randomize
